Tomiwa and Angela (not real names) have been   together for seven years. In some relationships, it is the woman that is in charge of all decisions being made in the house, while for some couples it is the man. The sad part is if the woman appears to be in control over the man, it becomes a big issue. Why? Because there is a common misconception that to be a man you have to make all the decisions. Do all the work and the woman come along for the ride.
In a relationship, it is the two of you making the decisions together. No one has to lord their opinion over the other. To be peace and good health in that relationship, you must learn to communicate properly on what works to make each of you happy together. For instance, my husband and I usually go to watch movies together, especially when we want to escape from the children. I love horror film. The screaming, the blood, the running up and down excite me. Please, don’t ask me why because I am not sure I even know the reason why myself.
My husband hates horror film. He can’t stand it for a second. So imagine going to the movies and it is time to make a decision on what to watch and then I say horror film, do you think he will be willing to watch it? Definitely not, but instead, he will prefer action films, investigation FBI type of movies which make me sleep within five minutes. We have both learnt to come to an amicable decision. So here’s what we do! First of all, before going to the movies we scan through what is available, discuss for 10 minutes on each movie and what we stand to gain or enjoy, then we agree on what we both find interesting before proceeding to the cinema. This is the art in simple terms of making a decision together. Sometimes, I get my way, sometimes I don’t, but anytime I don’t get my way, he promises to allow me watch what I want the next time, or we buy the cheap version so I can take home and watch at my leisure.
Another example is food. Hubby likes heavy food, while I have a slower digestive system. I can’t eat heavy food; it is also not convenient all the time cooking separate food every day. So we agree together on what to eat to favour everyone. This is not to say your whole life should become a conference centre, but for both of you to think in the best interest of the family and make decisions that are not self-centred. You do not need to force your spouse on every decision you make. The best and easiest way to this is, as a man provide general leadership and give approval for things. Don’t ever stress too much or think you’re not manly enough because you are not making all the decisions.  What you need to do is provide general leadership for the relationship.
There are several ways to make wonderful decisions together because you are a team.
  1. Do not make decisions without considering long term effects of each decision you make like job, relocation, in- laws, friendships with others, privacy, academics and so on.
  2. You need to be sincere with each other, state your feelings clearly so they understand your thoughts on every decision being made and how it affects you.
  3. Find ways all the time or as much as possible to meet each other half way, in essence find ways to sacrifice for each other.
  4. Always be open to each other; do not shut your spouse out and act as if their acceptance does not count because it does.
  5. Pray about it together. Life is not about the physical alone; it also involves the spiritual.
  6. Seek to always agree from your heart. This is a situation where you will not harbor a grudge or malice because you have decided to agree on issues or decisions with your spouse.
One must always try to focus on making good decisions rather than trying to see the best way to manipulate the future. Some couples are afraid of making decisions because they don’t want to be blamed in the future for whatever decision they make. Unfortunately life is a risk and one must take full ownership and responsibility for any decision being made. When your partner makes a decision, you must be able to wholeheartedly and logically see the good sides of the decision, as long as it is not a selfish one. Making decisions with your partner is not an easy one. Reason is that you most likely have different backgrounds and home training and values, different orientation of life and sometimes different religions.
When you are single and searching, you can make decisions that favour only you which most likely may not require anybody’s input or acceptance, you may also have the liberty of not caring if it affects other people, but if you happen to be in a committed relationship, making decisions requires the agreement and buy in from both parties and even if you refuse to accept the truth, every decision you make will affect the other person.
The truth is once you get into a relationship, the decisions you can make on your own becomes very limited. You may not need to make all decisions together, but most have to be done together. In a healthy relationship, each spouse must put into consideration feelings of their partner before making a decision. We are not talking about decisions on how to fry egg, type of meat to buy, when to brush your teeth, time to use the toilet or when to do morning devotion. Waiting for spouse to concur with your decision should not over take common sense.
Sometime ago, a couple came to me for counsel, and after several arguments in front of me, of course I allowed each of them to air their views and displeasure, I discovered what they had problem with was joint decision making process.
In a proper situation, two must come together as one, but the woman was totally adamant to have her way, not giving the man space to even say or approve anything. On the other hand, he wasn’t against her making decisions, but her voice kept drowning him out.
Some other time I have seen roles reversed where the man becomes Hitler, totally unreasonable and not ready to move a bit in the decision making process, insisting his word is law, from mundane decisions to totally extreme and life changing ones. Well a lot of such relationships end up crashing.
Decision making by both spouses together builds trust and improves intimacy. I am a 200 % supporter of intimacy not sex but intimacy because this is what eventually sustains the relationship, that emotional connection that keeps your mind and soul in sync. If you can coordinate your schedule as much as possible to suit each other, check in with each other via messages, sms, WhatsApp, calls and communicate properly, making joint decisions will be easier and take less effort.
In fact, it will come easy to both of you. Each decision made together deepens your love and respect for each other. The level of trust will increase, and invariably you will learn to not only be considerate, but to also each other’s needs equal or above your own. To enjoy the best of any relationship as regards making decisions you have to take full responsibility for their feelings that will give you the maximum enjoyment and fulfilment which will help you attain a sustainable level of your relationship that can weather any storm.
It is not to strive for perfection, but to strive for an even balance of understanding, love, mutual respect and consideration.
This balance can be attained by following some simple rules which I have always preached in previous articles and will still preach because they are principles that work.
Ensure balanced communication. This is an aspect where you get to see things from each other’s view , with everyone understanding what is considered valuable or useful information. This will help you understand how your spouse thinks, and automatically help you know what they like , dislike and how to make informed decisions even in their absence without upsetting them.
Mutual Respect: What I have learnt over time is when I am making my own decisions. I have to respectfully think of how it will affect my spouse. I also consider that yes the decision may be wrong. Yes, I may feel it will end up in disaster, but I am ready to accept and manage that disaster with them, my husband and I have a phrase we use “we are in it together, good or bad.” So, sometimes I make horrible decisions, which I have been warned by my spouse not to. I still stubbornly make those decisions and immediately I enter trouble, my spouse tries to help and sometimes bears the consequence with me.
Permit me to give you one funny instance.I made a wrong financial investment in the category of network marketing where your money doubles. Hubby advised me not to invest that it would crash,but I refused.  Some money was lured into further investment when the crash came. I wept in shame because I lost money and I was warned , but greed didn’t allow me see clearly. I wanted to make quick money.
Quick money is not always good money. Anyway, this is not for financial advice, but to let you know how hubby respectfully allowed me make my own mistake, but stood by me when I lost money. He did not kill me, beat me or say I told you so, but I know within myself I didn’t do well. This is not same in all relationships. It takes a level of maturity to be able to swallow pride, swallow pain and swallow the defeat of a terrible decision you have made.
As long as you and your spouse communicate, respect and make sure you are accountable to each other, then making decisions becomes a piece of cake and, of course, you will grow stronger together. Remember what we said earlier. You are a team. I wish you all the best.